New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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