So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i was born a porn star she said
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
