Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she told me i tasted like america
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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