oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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