I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
