Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
