dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
