My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
