And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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