Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
