nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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