I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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