My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
