so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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