when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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