I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
