My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
