my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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