i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
