It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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