dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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