I think im going to throw up on grandma
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
