my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
