my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think my moral compass just broke
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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