Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
