So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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