hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize