My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
