So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize