Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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