this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
