god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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