somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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