my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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