There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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