RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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