Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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