My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
