My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
