if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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