I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
