She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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