Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So squirting runs in the family.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize