Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I looked at my own cervix.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
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