we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize