What a fucking waste of an outfit
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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