I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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