I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
