please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
