get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
