in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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