look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
