i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
