hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
