Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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