My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
